Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
