Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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