I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
