Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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