It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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