I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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