New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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