just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
someone owes me an orgasm
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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