I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
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We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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