if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
