I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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