Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
