Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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