My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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