just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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