We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she told me i tasted like america
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
