The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
