so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
