Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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