Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
