just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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