I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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