I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
