I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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