I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there was a trapeze. enough said
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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