i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
