I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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