Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
