You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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