im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
