we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
