I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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