I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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