im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
