It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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