No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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