I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
