god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
