you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
