I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
