He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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