my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
