You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
