You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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