Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
