He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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