Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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