Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You need a sexual gate keeper
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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