Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
