bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
