i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
