Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
