Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
