"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
