my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The uberlube is also flammable
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you never un-have a 4some
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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