winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
