I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
