well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
