I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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