The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
