I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
