I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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